A time of reflections

Week 4 of Orthopaedics.

I guess there are times when we need to sit in one corner, look deeply inside and reflect on ourselves. Reflect on what has been happening lately, how have things been turning out, what we have done lately. Self reflection. Indeed, i need to find my corner.

Things have not been going on well. I wonder, what have I done wrong? Perhaps I should have been studying harder. Perhaps I should have been studying "smarter". Perhaps I should have been nicer. Perhaps less critical. Perhaps I should have been less annoying. perhaps I should just SHUT MY BLARDY MOUTH! Perhaps things would have been better. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

What is wrong with me? How did I go from someone that is likable to someone obnoxious with symptoms of Mania? I talk too much. I Bullsh*t too much. That's for sure. I don't study enough. My circle of friends is diminishing till the extend i wonder if i even have any friends. Have i been loosing friends or have everyone started becoming tired of my nonsense? Perhaps they have had enough of tolerating me. Is that it? Its depressing to see that everyone has a circle of friends. People they study with, go to wards with, do stuff with. And then i look at myself and Im a damn loner. I don have friends to study with, i study alone. I don't have anyone to go to wards with. I tag along with groups who somehow give me the feeling they just don want to chase me away because I'm from their batch.

Are people just tolerating me because they pity me? Is that it? It feels like Im being included because no one wants to be with me., Because i don't have any friends. Because im a screwed up person. What is happening? How did things turn out this way? I want to be my old self. I want to be what i was. I want to be how things were before. How did it change? I wish someone would tell me.

Am i being too harsh on myself? Am i being delusional? Am i over judging myself? Really? I hope so. I truly hope all this are just made up by my mind. But how would i know? I have had this thought before. I have asked myself this before. I have been through this. Yet i never got the answers to my questions. Could someone tell me? Please. Tell me. I need to know the truth.