A time of reflections

Week 4 of Orthopaedics.

I guess there are times when we need to sit in one corner, look deeply inside and reflect on ourselves. Reflect on what has been happening lately, how have things been turning out, what we have done lately. Self reflection. Indeed, i need to find my corner.

Things have not been going on well. I wonder, what have I done wrong? Perhaps I should have been studying harder. Perhaps I should have been studying "smarter". Perhaps I should have been nicer. Perhaps less critical. Perhaps I should have been less annoying. perhaps I should just SHUT MY BLARDY MOUTH! Perhaps things would have been better. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

What is wrong with me? How did I go from someone that is likable to someone obnoxious with symptoms of Mania? I talk too much. I Bullsh*t too much. That's for sure. I don't study enough. My circle of friends is diminishing till the extend i wonder if i even have any friends. Have i been loosing friends or have everyone started becoming tired of my nonsense? Perhaps they have had enough of tolerating me. Is that it? Its depressing to see that everyone has a circle of friends. People they study with, go to wards with, do stuff with. And then i look at myself and Im a damn loner. I don have friends to study with, i study alone. I don't have anyone to go to wards with. I tag along with groups who somehow give me the feeling they just don want to chase me away because I'm from their batch.

Are people just tolerating me because they pity me? Is that it? It feels like Im being included because no one wants to be with me., Because i don't have any friends. Because im a screwed up person. What is happening? How did things turn out this way? I want to be my old self. I want to be what i was. I want to be how things were before. How did it change? I wish someone would tell me.

Am i being too harsh on myself? Am i being delusional? Am i over judging myself? Really? I hope so. I truly hope all this are just made up by my mind. But how would i know? I have had this thought before. I have asked myself this before. I have been through this. Yet i never got the answers to my questions. Could someone tell me? Please. Tell me. I need to know the truth.

Total Hip Replacement

The surgery I'm not meant to see.. Total Hip Replacement. Went into the OT today hoping to witness a Total Hip Replacement by Mr Naveed, but was chased away by OT Sister. No reason given. Just a "You can't be here". O well, OT sister, being OT sister if u know what I mean.. sigh.

Asked a senior about it, apparently its to maintain sterility. That seems to be the reason to chase us out of OT, bar us from going in as well as a darn good reason to screw us early in the morning for no apparent reason. The things we medical student go through just to learn. Perhaps its much easier to be lazy. I'm sure some people (look above) will be happy if we are lazy and just stay at hope rather than be in the OT.

I'm extremely backed up on my studies and its already the middle of week 3. Looks like I need to stay in Seremban the next 2 weekends just to catch up on my studies and to revise for EOP and MCQs... :(

Ortho Week 2

Day 2 of my 2nd week in Orthopedics posting.

There seem to be a tonne of things I need to complete. I need to study for TBL, Seminars, examination, anatomy and I cant remember the things that I have covered (which means I need to go through them again rite?). I also need to go to OT to see all the procedures, go for A&E calls to observe acute management of fractures and etc. Not to forget clerk patients!! I have not been clerking enough patients. Clerking meaning actually sitting down and taking a proper history. Damn. Im so packed I dont have time to breath.

Unfortunately, I am also starting to feel burnt out. I cannot burn out. I don have the time to burn out. I need to chill abit, but I cant afford it. If i chill, i will be lagging behind and work will pile up. Man. Why does it have to be this tough. Sigh.

Maybe its because of the hectic schedule today. Started my day with CP at 7.30am. Ankle Examination class at 10am. Lecture on amputee rehab at 2pm and then Seminar at 4pm. All back to back the whole day. After class, I had to clerk patient for tomorrow's TBL. By the time I reached the ward, even opening the case file was an uphill challenge. I feel tired, bored and abit of anhedonia (lack of interest). Depression perhaps?

I hope its just a temporary thing. An acute feeling after a hectic day. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. I hope it will be. It better be. It has to.......

Psychiatry, Orthopedics and all the books in between

This blog is really really pulseless.. hahaha i guess im not the blogger kind of person huh.

O well. I made it through Sem 6 in one piece. Passed all my exams. Barely made it, but i passed them all so that matters most. hahaha

Entering Orthopedic, I can feel the difference in me. I went through Psychiatry using the 2 thinnest books i can find. First Aid for Psychiatry Clerkship (great book btw) and Oxford Core Text.

But now that I'm in Ortho, i suddenly felt extremely hardworking and went and get myself the 800 pages Apley's System of Orthopedics. Crazy huh.. I also have 2 Examination books plus another Orthopedics Illustrated.. I must have gone mad in Psychiatry or something. Inflated self confidence that i can finish all these books perhaps? Mania? hahaha =P

I also started camping in library again after 1 semester away from the library. habits are hard to die huh. ;) Hopefully my hard work will pay off. Looking forward to Obstetrics at the end of Semester 7. Hopefully I dont get too excited and kill myself in the process.. very likely to happen hahahaha